A Little Small Talk First
The process of cognition about things follows a spiral upward pattern: first negation, then negation of negation, and then? Negation of negation of negation (negation ×3)? Negation of negation of negation of negation (negation ×4)?
It seems that completing the second level of negation of negation already constitutes a comprehensive understanding. I haven’t encountered any situation that reaches the third or even the fourth level; perhaps it’s because my experience is still limited.
Getting to Today’s Main Topic
Since childhood, every time there’s a holiday, I inevitably argue with my mom. The reasons are the same old topics: “Don’t play games,” “Don’t stay up late,” nothing new; my ears have gotten calloused from it. So since I started college, I always find various excuses not to go home—if I don’t go home and get a call, I just say I’m busy and end the call quickly. When I do go home and tensions arise, I just grit my teeth and listen.
When I come home and find my mom angry, my habit is to keep silent and let her keep talking. Because whenever I speak, it only irritates her more—this has been repeatedly proven. Through this repeated validation and reinforcement, I have become increasingly reluctant to speak. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Gradually, even when I’m not in front of my mom, I don’t feel that I have any outstanding qualities.
Later, after reading The Courage to Be Disliked, the book mentioned the concept of “separation of tasks,” which roughly means that in any situation, some matters are for oneself to solve, others are for someone else to solve. If you insist on solving others’ tasks, you end up solving yourself. This phrase could be included in the Mandarin exam; may I ask what each “solve” means here?
Just joking. Back to the point, after reading the book, I suddenly understood that the problem lies with my mom. She is a person with high expectations; when they are not met, she throws tantrums. Regarding my mom’s anger, what I can solve is how to respond—I can argue with her, keep silent and sulk, or stay calm and indifferent. This is my task, part of what I can handle. But I cannot make my mom not angry—that is her task, which I can’t manage. Trying to force her not to be angry only results in a lose-lose situation.
Understanding this made me feel relieved gradually. Although I try hard to adjust my gaming time and frequency of staying up late, inevitably one day I lose control, get caught, and she gets angry. At that moment, I just zone out right there.
Sometimes after anger, we have deeper communication. I express that I have already made many changes and also point out what she could change. Over time, she starts to feel that others are always right, and it’s always herself who is wrong—feelings of injustice, grievance, and hurt! The problems I bring up are not seen by her as hers but as me shirking responsibility. When she starts saying this, I feel hopeless: let her be angry, no change then fine, I’ll slowly change my habit of staying up late myself. If she can’t see my change, then so be it.
However, as I become more sensitive to my own emotions, after her last anger episode, I realized: I first got angry, then thought “forget it, I can’t control it,” and the anger dissipated. Then came helplessness—ah, my mom is like this her whole life, I can’t help her—and that helplessness faded away. This was my level for a while.
But this time I took a step further—I felt pity. She works so hard, loves me so much, so why is she treated like this (no one comforts her when she’s sad)? I had felt this before, but it was overshadowed by the earlier two feelings; the result was that I lived carefree, leaving her to cry alone. This time, as usual, I turned on my computer pretending to study to avoid her, listening to her crying in the next room. Then I noticed this feeling, and after that, a thought arose: I want to comfort her, just to comfort her, not to convince her to change.
Then I went to her side, massaging her gallbladder meridian while chatting. The process was tough because I talked a lot but she gave no reaction (which is exactly her usual response to me). Later, I ran out of things to say and remembered that relaxation exercises can help guide one to calm the mind; can I also guide her to calm down? Like the teacher’s relaxation exercise recording, I gently and continuously helped her recall happy moments. When she responded, I encouraged her to elaborate. Sad things become sadder the more you think about them; happy things become happier. When she was already very sad, her mind was full of sad thoughts she couldn’t adjust. But by leading her to think of happy things, I pushed the first domino; afterward, she was able to adjust herself.
Sure enough, she adjusted; it worked pretty well but it was exhausting because I had never done this before. I think this time was indeed a negation of negation.
Expansion
Relaxation exercises have appeared twice already. The first time was in A012 Talking About Tea Again, and the second was today. In A012, readers were curious about what relaxation exercises are, and after communicating with the teacher, I shared the guiding document, which is posted on the Beginner website. Please check and download as needed.